In order to die you need a compass. It’s common sense. Everybody knows that. You grow weary, limbs start falling off and sure enough you’re at that point in time where you go “Let’s get it over with already!”. And then what?? The fact of the matter is that we don’t have maps. It’s fact. It’s logic. How are we supposed to find our way to death without a map, a road sign, a guide, anything? It’s like trying to patch your knee with melted sand and no matter how much you eat, you’re still achingly thirsty…… I need some water. I’m scared. I want to go back. I want home. I don’t remember anything anymore though…. Pictures, smells, hugs, fights, gum drops with cherry flavor… They’re all gone...
A while ago I screamed and called for help. Nobody answered. I cried again just to make sure that I pronounced it correctly…I had some doubts: H-E-L-P. The spelling it’s fine … How in the world did I loose my compass?? I’m always, always careful; Kept it safe for as long as I can remember. It’s mine!!! I want it back!....Ahhh…it’s so hot now; I hate myself, all covered in sweat, with clothes sticking to my body like glue. This old miserable body. I miss it already so much. It’s funny how it shaped the course of my life the way it did. I hated and rejected it everyday, cursing every cell and every heart beat it took… and then with violent gasps of air and boiling tears I begged for its forgiveness. This old miserable body. MY, dear, old, wonderful, amazing … miserable body….
No need for a compass anymore, I’ve decided: I’ll just go and find my death by my self. It has to be here somewhere. Clearly it makes no sense to me searching to find something that I don’t want to find, but I guess it can’t be helped. Things are what they are and I’m so tired asking questions anymore. I’ve always liked that saying “The thing you’re searching for is usually right in front of you”. Comforting for the eye, painful for the heart… She’s so scared of my death. Racing like crazy every time I mention it’s name. Fighting to escape, kicking and scratching until balls of blood start swirling in from all sides yelling for freedom, wanting to escape, knowing that it can’t …..
It’s late. It seems that all the hours and minutes of the world are slipping away from me. I’m fine… I’m not worried….I have this warm an pleasant feeling of loss, as if I were to touch my own skin for the first time…fingers caressing, exciting all the nerves in the body, giving me that electrifying climax and …. illusions of yet another compass that broke before it’s time. Time that I wanted to pass more quickly, time that I always thought I had more than enough, time that I feared would pass me by … time that I dreamed I will remember … always…
I found you …. my END